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(no subject) [Oct. 11th, 2008|01:57 pm]

This is how I rang in my nye...

since so i have slowly created a little nook in all the chaos.

now i feel kind of ghostly these days...like this


my blizzard-y boy and I have been blessed by a big croation man with a little old home in the seacliff district of SF. we have a garden. a big garden! a garden like no other garden! i am reminded of france when i look out. there are two big kitties that come. two doves have a nest five feet from out kitchen. its better here. the ocean is a few blocks west, golden gate a few blocks south, and the presidio a few blocks north. i am surrounded by eastern europeans (75%russian) & asians. peroshkis a block away. and pho a two houses away.

we are tearing the place apart & planting gardens. ripped up the floors & found hardwood...rearranging...all that kind of shit. taking cuttings from everywhere i go. starting gardens as i please.

i might only by here for another two weeks...or maybe a year. we dont know.

but its good for now.

my macbook died on me and ive lost all of my information from years of photos to thousand dollar medical test results. this is purely my stupidity of not backing my shit up. but i hate mac. and i plan to sue them. maybe.
there is over $50,000 worth of information on it that i need. and so i suppose i have to let $3000 go or so to attempt its retrieval. rawr.

ive become more feline-like than ever before. its a bit frightening at times when i catch myself in the mode. can a human ever turn without being aware?

dear patrick,
thank you for letting me know about my tables. i plan to pick them up. i just need to get down to LA in a car with some room open and time. ill let you know when i do. are they still in valencia? or ojai? sorry for letting you watch them so long--i hope it wasnt too much of an inconvience.
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(no subject) [Feb. 2nd, 2008|01:09 pm]

so where has life taken me i woke up asking myself this morning and i had actually just woken up from a dream in which a bearded man with an oval head was kissing me with no lips and my boyfriend was in the corner watching. um...yes i have no idea where my life has taken me. BUT! as of now i am sitting in SFs lower haight specifically on Fillmore and I have been here for over a month. inside. and out. but pretty much kept captive by a vast combination of disease, exhaustion, boredom with the outside people, drugs, and this amazingly bizarre man.

see ive been living with no home for quite a bit now and a few days before NY we got a call and decided to venture this way for a little drinky poo...little did we know we were going to get sucked back into the fillmore vortex of after hours filled with mollys wishes & lies and late night coke runs drinking absinthe to come down and then as i am who i am crawl out the stairs to hide out in the dungeon below. for days. so i brought a little too much energy with me ringing in the new years and have ended up sick for the entire month of Jan08...ive spent my days looking for a fucking home, doing crosswords (& wordsearches but shhhh dont tell anyone that), conjuring up horrible realities in my head, taking them out on my boyfriend, dreaming about where i could ever be satisfied, smoking hash, cooking but yummy foods, and many other things i simply dont feel like stating. anyways im feeling better today...yay...

i want to leave the city. but im stuck here. i like it. but im simply waiting to get shot. we havent been able to find a home in too long. im addicted to the architecture and all the shit we find on the streets. i love the brothers but i hate the yuppies. we both have shitty credit. but weve got money. studios here go for $2000 so we will instead be getting a flat for $4500...come visit. im building community gardens throughout SF. veggies and herbs and sunflowers and pretty stuff. but still there is no room for us here. we may stay we may go to Kauai or if i leave i may go back to Lyon. yes...if i leave. no i dont want to...but i will see what this eclipse brings.

this disease has eaten my body away. walking has become a luxury and i have nothing more to say.

as far as love goes. i feel this man has been the biggest blessing and the biggest curse of all in my life. he has destroyed any sort of confidence i once had but he has brought out the fighter in me causing me to finally stand up and fight right back. i love it. he hates it. he provokes. i beg. i suspect. he reacts. its a vicious cycle intercepted with vicious affection resented sexuality and sad sad smiles.

this is one i hope lasts a bit more. ive stuck it out too long to run myself so there are nights i put it in his hands thinking to myself how wrong it it for me to stay with his decision at fault.

now...my belly is acting up. and yes...i have been quite careless.

hello patience. goodbye you.
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(no subject) [Dec. 13th, 2007|02:41 pm]
i wasnt really finished. i had to stop simply because he had woken up and i had to tend to the immediate. thats kind of my life now. just about to begin something and then...stop...bop bop bop...all the way down. distraction is a killer. sex is too.

i dont really like to look at my life in a honest fashion. i know im just living in different worlds and yea its never going to work out because i kind of have this addiction to obvious confusion.

my eyes still play games on me.

not sure where we will be going on saturday. as thats when we have to leave this one. i want someone to steal me and throw me into another world.

i keep remembering. maybe i should be single. maybe thats the only way im going to get out of this. but i know when im single ill just be looking for this and pissed at myself for walking away again.

but fuck...this one is really intense...

and all i want to do is give him my shoes...

i just havent been this horrible of a person in a very long time...so im still getting used to it.
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(no subject) [Dec. 13th, 2007|10:18 am]
i keep getting caught looking at him when he closes his eyes. i dont know if it annoys him or if he doesnt even think twice about it...its a little awkward at first but then he just smiles and i know its okay.

i have this man that i think is the most beautiful creature i have ever seen. cause if you catch him in the right moment you'll see his eyes lower and his body will relax...it just works. but then theres these times he becomes a monster and i have no idea who the fuck i am with and why i have been here so long.

my life is this bag of wonder.

and he hates me for it.

and i hate myself for it too.

anyways...christmas is spent alone this year. its okay. thanksgiving was a drunken lyme filled day.

i broke down to my father on the phone. i told him weve never had family anyways.

everyday my boyfriend and i kick each others asses both physically and verbally. i break down to him too.

im just tired.
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(no subject) [Dec. 8th, 2007|04:03 pm]
i just want my mind back
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(no subject) [Dec. 8th, 2007|04:00 pm]
i think i hate my boyfriend and i think he hates me too.

i think he hated me the first time he ever saw me and thats why he dragged me in to this fucking world.

i dont hate people. and i still dont really think i hate him. but i have every reason too. as he does too...
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(no subject) [Nov. 28th, 2007|06:47 pm]
im sitting at the magic castle hotel in hollywood--been here over seventy two hours now--running circles in a motherfucking vortex--kkkkkkkk ahhhhhh cococococo ahhhhhhhh

fuckin' LA...
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(no subject) [Nov. 18th, 2007|05:48 pm]
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

so im actually sitting in my rv right now on irving street in the bay. yea...i have a rv. well joshua and i both have this fucking rv. every body please laugh your asses of now.....

whatever. life shits and life evolves.

ok news. lets see.
the past month or so = LA, malibu, AFM, movies, movies, movies, acting, acting, acting, kissing ass, trying terribly hard to stay afloat, but living in complete luxury, sort of, god im fucking happy to be back

in the bay for not too long. back everywhere forth here and there with this man. as in every aspect one can imagine. ive lost my mind completely. i think my soul too. my body is a yes. i have no idea what i have gotten myself into but i have this amazing strong resistance towards any sort of ending even though it is so badly needed. its been dragged on too long. were both dissecting the other...

still not enough to get me to walk away.
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(no subject) [Oct. 8th, 2007|08:50 am]
what a motherfucking past ten days its been-i dont really want to go into detail

but basically we are living in Malibu now. the exact thing i was tryng to have NOT happen...LA...but whatever...its alright....i guess...but i still fucking hate this place

but whatever--our land is up away from all the superficial bullshit so I only have to step into horrorville when i want to. i told him i would start the shoots again but only if he was there so i couldnt dabble in my past and only is it was paying big $. stores are buying the jewelry--thats dope. i figure if i can find one rich old couple that likes them theyll put in a huge order and thatll cut it in this city.
the 20 acres are beautiful. neptunes net is right at the bottom--french fries whenever! every night i fall asleep under a full sky of stars and i awake to the ocean views and windy gusts. its quiet. healing. its nice to be able to breathe again...
its not going to be easy. we're still on the move everywhere. and my body is still feeling it all. im still unsure. not about him....but about myself. its different everyday but im trying. i dont really want to give up. so im going to try not to.

other shit--
our roommates girlfriend robbed us straight up the day before we moved out pretty fucking bluntly. she broke into the garage and stole some expensive shit we had. we left the city tho without doing anything. she can go eat shit for all i care. they all fucking can...rawr...

i got a letter from BRAD--motherfucking BRAD...decided it was time to come around again (what a test) and say his piece...this is what i got in my mail titled "WTF"
---So I'm looking for a mutual friend on Sunny's page and I see dHi... My stomach turns to a knot... Look at how beautifull you are, even more now than ever before... I knew that was coming... I saw all of this in you... You look so open, expressive, and beautifull...
It is really hard for me to see pictures of you, but it also colors my day... I think of you everyday, and I need to tell you that I Loved you then and still do... you are very special to me, I've never been more attracted to someone in my life. I MEAN IT! I am not saying this to stir up past emotional shit, I'm saying it just in case you did't know.
You must know how much you really meant to me... I am not expecting a message back, or for you to let your guard down and recieve this message, but I can't go .. that week of our split, holding in the truth of what I felt for you... I was so defensive, scared and insecure about what to make of the situation. And I know I did not convey my heart to you.
I am really happy now, I can see you are too, and please hear me when I say... "You are so special to me, so beautifull, so perfect and I will always hold you in my heart, ALWAYS..." Love Brad---

come the fuck on brad...thats all i have to say...
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(no subject) [Sep. 28th, 2007|10:43 am]
everytime he goes away theres an earthquake. but thats not whats weird. what weirds me out is that our home consists of a bunch of boxes now and random shit bags that i just dont know what to do with the shit inside. and its weird that im doing this alone. thats probaly whats really weird. were supposed to be starting another phase and i think im the only one closing out the first. its also weird ive spent the past three days inside maybe thats why im going a little berzerk...but today is cold and gray. i dont want to go out. i enjoy my corners and my caves and my crevices. i wont have any of them soon enough. i really wonder whats going to happen. who goes boondocking in the winter?
im stubborn. i want my comforts. and i lead him on by being okay with it all to avoid conflict. but i want my cozies. i want my blankey and my cinnamon tea and my window to look at the rain thru and i want my little home to hide in.

ok i just had to get that out. ive wanted these things for a long time. im not expecting them this time around. but i still want them.

im going to the store to buy my future in just a bit...wish me luck
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